And so it begins….

The first glimmer of sunshine, the first beam of sunlight, the first sight of summer and out they come. The neighbours from hell….
They live at the house at the foot of the garden, like goblins that you just want to destroy. Silent all winter (perhaps in hibernation) only to be awakened by the sound of the first landmower…

Suddendly their windows are thrown open, then loud music and the bonfires start – at all times of the day.They’ve inadvertently set fire to a neighbour’s tree, another time nearly bar-b-queing our shed. Glowing embers rain down on our garden. Once, the fire brigade were called out twice in the same night. They put out the first fire, then some drunk refuelled it with lighter fluid a few hours later. The firemen know the family by name…

And the music, their beautiful sweet music is pumped out at full volume – because of course we all want to listen to P Diddy when sunbathing in the garden, it’s so loud your brain begins to vibrate. And they sing along – when they’re not shouting and swearing at one another.

And then their bloody dog joins in barking and howling like demented hound

I tried competing with them last year, but my music was no match – and somehow gangster rap and indie/rock just really doesn’t merge. I’m sure the neighbourhood had a collective breakdown.

I hate them, they ruin every single sunny day. I sit in my garden fuming and wishing nasty things that, if I were religious, I’d be struck down for.

But I’m too scared to go round there and complain, he’s been behind bars more times than Peggy Mitchell. And his missus looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Jordan – and twice as scary.

And so yet another summer will pass in secret anger and torment. Unless of course, I crack….