Tag Archives: birds

Bird Brain

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a photo by Meowster on Flickr

It was a day of the birds today…

First we hit a pigeon driving in the car. The stupid thing just flung itself at us; we weren’t even going that fast. I know that they aren’t the cleverest of animals, but still… If he was human, he would probably be found sitting in the corner with a dunce’s hat on eating his own belly button fluff. This is unlike the crow who struts around like the smart a**e he is….The crow had been watching this disaster unfold, quietly pecking at the roadside and nonchalantly walking away when a car came along. The crow would not be run down in such a pathetic fashion.

I really felt sorry for the poor lifeless mess of a bird as I glanced in the wing mirror at him. I have a feeling he committed suicide (can birds do that? How would we ever know?). Perhaps he was sick of a life sh****g on the town centre bandstand and being called a flying rat. I also suspect that the watching crow was bullying him – the smug bastard.

I kept thinking about that mangy pigeon all day.

We were actually driving to a local farm for a family day out, that I was looking forward to. But once I got there I was presented with another bird and a fear I never realised I had.

Turkeys

Jesus, those things really freak me out. What the hell is that thing on their face? It looks like innards have been twisted over their beak – and been left dangling there. OK, I have seen turkeys before – but this one was big and mean and extra flappy.

And perhaps I shouldn’t assume it, but I think they are not happy about the way they look. And they have serious anger management issues. They squawk and puff out their feathers in quite a menacing way, which is quite scary. OK, I admit – what can a turkey really do to you? But a small part of me really did p**s myself.

“He’s a nice bird really Mummy” My daughter was saying.

How sad, to find my three year reassuring me!

So this Christmas I will be tucking into my dinner with relish. At least that’s one less turkey for me to worry about!

Springtime Slaughter…..

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“Spring has sprung, the grass has ‘ris, I wonder where those birdies is…”

I tell you where those birdies is……scattered all across my back garden. For most of us the start of Spring means the sight of daffodils blooming, the smell of grass being mown – but for us it’s the sight of decapitated sparrows all over the lawn, left my my delightful pussy Ziggy.

We have two cats Zammo (the smelly one) and Ziggy (the neurotic anorexic with anger management issues). Ziggy does not DO cat food, he will only eat plants (his salad) and the finest chicken (but the smallest amount). He parades around the house like a slinky supermodel – aloof, nose in the air and extremely dismissive of everything around him. However, Spring seems to bring out the animal in him and the anger rises like bubbles in Kate Moss’s champagne. He begins to growl like a dog, he hides in bushes and jumps out at unsuspecting passers-by (and then runs away again like a deranged lunartic), but more annoyingly he kills birds, brings tem into the house and hides them.

They are not presents I hasten to add, beacuse of the way they are cruelly hiden. There have been several times when we have found mumified skeltons of some species of bird behind sofas or dark corners, and it’s not a sight you welcome at any time.

If it’d not birds, its b*****y frogs – or one time a live mouse that took us SIX hours to catch. This involved re-arranging the entire living room just to create a barricade. All the time Ziggy just sat there watching, smugly. If he could, he would have been puffing silently on a cigarette.

I do love my cats, honestly I do. But when Spring comes creeping round the corner, a part of my stomach twists as I await the the inevitable delivery of nature’s beauty, now decpaitated, deformed, and deceased.