Free to a good home – Two cats, answering to the names of sh*t sack and poo paws.

Both like to leave regular presents on the sofa, which are discreetly hidden, only to be discovered once they’ve been smeared around by a fat a**e.

In typical feline fashion, they affectionately rub themselves up against your leg, simultaneously depositing a skidmark on your jeans.

They love the rain, and always disappear out the cat-flap in the most torrential of downpours. They will quietly return, soaking wet, to leap onto your lap without warning – which will leave you with a damp patch that makes it look like you have no bladder control. That’s normally the time the doorbell rings………

Despite their feral beginnings, they will eat nothing but the most expensive food. Expensive human food. Anything else just elicits a look of disdain, followed by a slow, sulky departure. Like teenagers.

We’ll even throw in a yukka plant (a little withered like its owners) and a months’ supply of Dettol wipes.

Any takers?